Life's tough boo-hoo

So I've been working night shift for about 4 months now and were about to rotate back to days. Problem is, it seems my body already wants to be on day shift. Maybe it's because I know it's coming, maybe it's because my black out shades are about 6 inches to short for my windows, or maybe it's because my wife left me Christmas day for a "friend" of mine and has been making my life hell sense! (damn! 8-o)

Let me explain, thing havent been good between us for quite sometime now. I've actually tried to leave her on two occasions last year, after the first I decided to give it another try, after the second... She refused to leave the house. A month after that was Christmas day (it's kinda like she was like "you can't fire me, I quit!"). Now I won't bore you with all the minute details of how awful this woman has been to me but I will say this, this is one of the slim occasions where 98-99% of the blame is all on her! I know that sounds one sided but just imagine Sharon Stone and Robby Dinero in Casino (yeah I know... Ouch).

So I do my gosh darnest to get over all this and move on with my life, if only she'd just let me. I've changed the locks, I've got a lease without her name on it and I've threatened to call the cops on her (although I did have all my make up on and was def in guy mood besides that, yeah not really wanting to have to explain that to a cop in my nieghborhood)and she just doesn't get it! All I want is to be rid of her. And then she really fucked my world up, "I'm pregnant, its yours". Ssshhhit. Know I'm sitting here thinking, " she's just trying to fuck with me again, trying to hurt me as much as possible", but alass it is true and know I'm having a child with the only person I can say I truely and throughly hate with every fiber of my being (remember I said I was going I spare you most of the details, just believe me when I tell you my hate for her is completely justified!). This is a woman who can't carry a job for more than a month and has only had one of those in the last year, and she's trying to lose that one right now! She is emotionally and mentally unstable, she's taking more meds then a pharmacy and might not even have a place to stay in the next couple months.

And then there's me, sweet little Keira, currently more widely known by a much more masculine sounding name save a few close individuals. Someone who treads a thin line of possibly losing her job if she is found out to be transexual, not because she's incompetent, not because she's lazy, and definitely not because she's bat shit crazy! I make enough to support myself, and I do make enough to support another, barely, but if I really want to go through with my transition and the gods know I do I need to save every damn penny I can for when I finally get out of this job in a couple years and start to full time always be me!! And that is something I wouldn't trade for the world!
Other factors concerning my own situation are, well the fact that my parents don't know that there son wants to be there daughter, and that she is ready to tell them but scared out of her mind that she's going to lose them over it. The fact that I am changing my gender alone is enough to be like... "K um no kids please, I don't even have a vagina yet!".

I think That I should mention that I'm not Suggesting she get an abortion, most def. not! I'm adopted so in turn Im pro-life (not like those crazy pro-lifers though) so I think you know where I'm going when I say that neither of us is prepared for a child in our lives right now, and the only clear course of action is adoption, getting her to see that is a completely different problem that I'll be dealing with I over the next 8 months or so.

One last thing I want to point out before I stop for now is this. If you take me for being cold, then you don't truely understand what is best for a child. Why would I want my child to grow up with someone like me who can barely make it by and still scrounge up enough money to fully transition when the time comes a couple years from now or be incredablly depressed for her entire life because she was never able to because of a poor child (that I would eventually unconsciously blame)that was concevied after four years on unprotected marital sex and once it's mother finally hurt me enough that now I've come to hate her through and though. Or the child could be raised by a near psychotic borderline, I sincerely shutter at the though of what that woman could do to another human being. Why would I want either of these horrid sinareros to be placed on this defenseless human? I wouldn't ever, because it's just not fair! No one deserves a broken home before they've even entered the world!

We anyway I don't really have a proper way to end this so I'm just gonna end it by saying... Told ya it would be depressing 😉